The Butterflies

Originally posted Oct 27, 2016

 

From the very first time as a lump of male clay who worked up the nerve to submit to Mistress Morganna that first time, they were there. From the first time I gave in to my curiosity and desires of being with a Shemale and knocked on Diamond's door, they were there. The first time I admitted my sissy desires to Mistress Morganna they were there. And the first time I met Lady Diva Cane alongside Mistress Morganna, they were there.....the butterflies

At each step for me that represented a major step, or a point of no return, I have fought with terrible bouts of nervousness. The blood runs out of my hands, my stomach becomes a rope full of knots, and I shiver and shake uncontrollably. Each time, I knew that there was no going back to what my life was like before that moment in time, before what was to come. With each hurdle overcome came a growing confidence, but as is my nature, I've always been very careful in being discrete and private with Devina. The world she shares with her genetic host, simply do not co mingle, nor do their worlds.

 

I've said before, how I envy those brave gurls that fully expose themselves online or to their families and or friends. I admire that bravery, I truly do, and in so many ways I wish I could shout out from the roof tops and proclaim to the world for anyone to hear, "I AM SISSY, WATCH ME WHORE!!"

Alas, we all have our crosses to bear as gurls. Some of us have spouses and families, that simply couldn't handle our deepest secrets, and would cause irreparable damage to those we love the most . Some of us have vanilla lives that exist under public scrutiny, that simply couldn't survive the truth of who we really are. Some of us live under a variety of reasons as to why we must protect our sissy personas from the slings and arrows of the world at large.

I won't get into my own personal reasons for keeping Devina's shared identity as confidential as I have over the years, because it's no better or worse than the hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of gurls who at one time or another, have found themselves in the same position as me. Torn between the desire to break free of the chromosomal chains that bind us, yet absolutely terrified of the potential harm that could happen to so many facets of our lives in many instances.

With all that said, little by little, one tiny carefully measured step at a time, I've allowed Devina to be revealed to the world, and to those in my growing circle of trusted confidants. With each of those reveals, the butterflies came back but were not as strong as before. I felt safe in doing so, I guess.

 

And with each of those reveals, I've slowly revealed more of me in social media, although I take great pains in doing so. I overthink, over analyze each pic I contemplate sharing, wondering if I'm about to click on my own self destruct button when I post something. I quietly tell myself that it would be easy to laugh off such a wild notion if someone tried to make the connection between Devina and her genetic host. I also remind myself that if someone did in fact connect the fuzzy dots, that they too, would have to admit their own love of sissy gurls, shecock, and Femdom, so perhaps that's the stalemate solution.

While that carefulness has served Devina well for many years, recently I did something so typically Female; I got jealous!

Lady Diva provided a forum for some of Her other sissies to be shown off, and it ate away at me that I wasn't included among them. It bothered me that I wasn't allowing Devina her proper due as one of Lady Diva's creations to be shown like a trophy on a wall. What was once a male subbie, taken down and transformed into a Shecock loving slutty gurl. I deserved to be on that wall, I HAD to be on that wall!!

Then they came flooding back... the butterflies

Just like old times, as I perused through the picture files Lady Diva had taken of me in all sorts of clothing. Some dresses, some lingerie, slut wear, and evening gowns, and somewhere everything in between. I began trying to choose some hot sexy pics and then had to confront the fact that in some of them, Devina's host would be fully completely exposed.

 

And it wouldn't be just Lady Diva, or Maitresse Cathie, or Lady Jane who could put the puzzle together, it could be anyone. And my hands began to get cold, and my stomach knots returned as I struggled with finding the right pics to share, until I thought I found some that could work, and sent them to Lady Diva.

A while later She replied simply, 

"I would like some more of the polished looking ones in sexy poses.."

I knew what that meant. Not good enough. No, if I was to be a trophy on Her wall, I had to look as if I belonged there. I agonized again, substituting a pic with an even more revealing one, full frontal, exposing my locked up sissyclit in it's extra small chastity device, pink nails, multi colored pink ensemble dress, stockings, my sissy engagement ring, and a closed eye look of sheer sissy bliss. My fingers were trembling when I hit send.

 

Another while later, Lady Diva replied, " Photos are up."

And just like that, with Lady Diva taking me by the hand, Devina moved a tiny bit more out of the shadow of her sissy closet, into the light a little more. It is exhilarating and slightly unnerving all at the same time. I know I'm probably way over cautious but that's just how protective one is of the special flower that blooms within me. Yes there is a chance, remote as it may, that Devina could be outed, but I will continue to put my trust and faith in the Dominant Women around me, who have allowed me to find my true potential. I look forward to the day when Devina can stand proudly in her glamour photo shoot makeup and sexiest outfit for all to see. I took another step in making another dream happen, and like every time before, those butterflies are subsiding...

Sincerely Sissy

Devina