The Struggle is Real

 

Our Worst Nightmare & the Fears we all Face

 

This week's scandalous news brought forth an example of every sissy's worst nightmare: Being publicly outed

I don't have the time, or energy to delve into the details of Kristi Noem's relationship(s), Her husband's activities etc. But this week, every sissy, every crossdresser, and every panty boi has felt within them the reminder of the terror we have all felt at either being caught, or the fear of being caught. It's very real.

 From the very first time we explore with Women's underwear, lingerie, or clothing, there is an overriding sense of hyper awareness of the fear of being caught, and exposed. Perhaps today the stigma has relaxed somewhat, but you don't have to go back very far at all to the place where the iron clad stigma was severe and devastating to all those around you if your "secret" was discovered.

I shared and re-shared my own experience of being caught both here and also here. Being caught can have very real and devastating effects on you's life, one's mental health, and one's journey to discover their true selves in their Feminine journey.

The biggest problem is society makes massive broad assumptions of anyone who gets caught (against their wishes) and fetishists, crossdressers, sissies, and budding Tgurls get painted with a very wide brush. The truth of the matter is that anyone exploring their desires around Women's clothing and their own sexuality can all come from vastly different places, with different paths, needs, and outcomes. There simply is no one size fits all.

 

Miss Kendra James put it very simply but very well. And thats why I really don't have a desire to psycho-analyze the actions of Kristi Noem's husband. I will say that there are many different doors that can be opened, and they can be grouped into the following:

Fetish/Kink Play: this can include humiliation, ridicule, feelings of inadequacy etc.. At some point we all likely have started here. My guess is a large percentage of play orientated folks don't progress much past this point

Crossdressing: Can start as a deep seated need to explore hyper Feminine things, probably rooted from a deeper place psychologically, but not yet understood. Fetish players can often progress to this stage and by and large the biggest percentage stay within the above two categories. The basic desires to walk the line of kink/humiliation/exposure for perverse pleasure are main drivers here.

 

 Beyond this stage, things begin to involve a deeper understanding of oneself and one can really begin a journey far beyond their initial starting point.

Sissy Life / Journey:  When one begins to ask internal questions as to why and how they have this unshakable need to explore their Femininity, then does one's Sissy Life really begin. (even before we really understand it as such) The initial kinks, and thrills remain, but now those of us who begin to associate themselves in having a part of them they are unable to "put away". This is where exploration can run rampant, with a wide variety of avenues to explore. It's like being a teenager in a sense, as everything is new and fun!

But there is one thing that never goes away and in many cases as we get older, and deeper into our sissy selves, it can be more harmful. The threat of being outed.

 I've often admire those who embrace their sissy selves and are in a position in life to cast aside any embarrassment of exposure and openly reveal themselves. I have to walk a fine line due to personal and professional landmines in the field I'd love to tapdance in.  And in a sense, back to the subject matter story of this post, I feel terrible for those who are in high profile positions who set traps for themselves.  Do they want to be outed and purposely set their own traps? Are they so consumed with their kinks and obsessions that they are blind to the very real and lasting damage than can happen?  It's probably somewhere in between and too deep of a psycho-analysis to get into. 

But one thing that I do know is that TRUST is a huge factor in when and how sissies, crossdressers, and kinksters can step out of the shadow to reveal themselves. Placing your trust in the wrong people can be a recipe for disaster, and the utmost care should always be taken when opening your trust circle.

 It's taken me a lifetime to amass a circle of Female friends who I have revealed my deepest secrets to, and all these years later that number has yet to hit double digits. I wish I could expand that group to dozens, but I always am aware of the risks. Being a sissy is hard work in so many aspects and I understand why so many stay in the kink/play part of the lifestyle. Sissy rewards are amazing but the path is full of pitfalls, and disaster waiting to strike. 

As we have seen this week, you can't un-ring a bell

 

Devina 

 

 

 

The Re-Wiring of the Sissy Brain

 

A large part of my continuing sissy journey involves introspection alongside lived experiences. Why have certain things, events, and occurrences brought me to this place?  In order to learn about oneself, one should not be afraid to ask questions of oneself. 

I've now lived as a pussy free chastised sissy for many years. Pussy free for over 11 years and in sissy chastity for almost 3200 days. It's fair to say the changes in my life from where I started as a useless male lump of clay, have been completely life changing.  But as time has gone on, I can't help but notice a complete re-reining of my sissy brain in respect to basic instincts and urges.  A lot of sissies would like to believe that a few weeks of denial can change them forever, when in fact it does take years and years to see the results.

And now within myself I am seeing the results

 I don't know when it came to be but it's something I accept without reservation now. When I see a Woman's nude body, especially Her genitalia, I no longer harbour any urges, feelings of want, desire, or need.  While I admore Women's beauty, power, superiority, and can most certainly adore the Female Form in all it's magnificence, there is zero remaining feelings of pursuit and or conquest.

It's simply gone completely.

But before anyone sheds a tear, it fills me with joy to know, the empty space once possessed by my discarded and destroyed male ego, now finds a whole new avenue for desire, lust, and all those naughty feelings that submissive creatures all have.

But it's no longer over what I can never attain in Women...

 

 They now are fully, completely focused towards TGirls. Body, Mind, and Spirit, all manners of physical, emotional, relationship, and all other needs are rooted in my love of Trans Women. I can feel it happen daily. After all this time, under the Femdomination of Lady Diva Cane, Maitresse Cathie La Divine, Lady Morganna, and every other Domme that has influenced my life, has my reprogramming reached a point where I am forever changed?

It sure feels like it.

Because it now feels 100% natural.

And that's the difference. There is no longer any internal conflict. It just IS.

 It quite frankly feels like a weight off my shoulders to know that I can never again pose any sort of sexual threat of any kind to any Woman. I can love Them, respect Them, cherish Them, honour Them, serve Them, obey Them, and submit to Their power.... but I can never desire their magic.

And that comes with an inner peace that I would wish on all sissies. Leaving everything behind to be able to walk through that door has been a blessing.

I wish every sissy can find that place in their own journey...

 

Sincerely Sissy

Devina 

Lousy Weather Day - Time to Catch Up on My Reading

The Transformation is Real

 

The subject of this post came to me a short while ago, while I was still sleeping in fact, so I'm scrambling to assemble my still jumbled subconscious thoughts that came to me in my sleep, into coherent words here. What was it that came to me in my sleep?

Often our subconscious thoughts are like the hand on a rudder of a ship, and in life when our conscious mind and subconscious mind are in conflict, it can lead to a lot of internal strife, anxiety, and stress. As a sissy we all learn quickly about this internal conflict, and if unable to resolve it, it leads many sissies to make bad choices in their sissy life's journey, or worse, to abandon their true inner feelings of self altogether.

 Although the seeds of my sissy life were sown during events in my early youth, I can safely say I've spent over half of my life as an acknowledged practising sissy. I also think it's safe to say that the majority of us sissy gurls begin on a similar path of crossdressing first as a fetish (with unknown or unexplored reasons why we begin), and that a sizable number find themselves comfortable (for a while) to stay in that category. A smaller number choose to go deeper as we mature and begin to learn about the why's and how's of what our sissy journey means. Even smaller numbers discover their paths lie ahead in gender transformation, etc..

The deeper we go into our sissy journey, inevitably we are confronted with what I call our emasculated male ego, or EME for short.  This is a vile creature that lurks inside every sissy, and unless confronted and dealt with, it will be the cause of much chaos in a sissies life.

Horrible feelings of guilt and anxiety about your Feminine expressions? That's the EME 

Encountering the feelings to do the dreaded sissy wardrobe purge? That's your EME

Feeling the deeper you go down your sissy road, that you can "Stop this at any time" ? That's your EME 

Denial over your changing needs, desires, and basic urges? That's your EME

And so on, and so on etc..

 Confronting your EME and it's eventual evisceration will be the biggest challenge and sissy faces in their journey, whether one realizes this at the time of reading this or not. Your EME will have you go about your daily life thinking it's in control, and will allow you all the ugly habits, thoughts and behaviours of your arrogant, chauvinistic male pig life. You may think of yourself as respectful and well mannered but you still harbour thoughts and your subconscious mind drives you to see Women in your day to day vanilla life as "conquests"or "prizes" etc..

This disgusting behaviour is at complete odds with your sissy life that demands you to see Women as Goddesses, who are superior and unattainable in any way.

See the conflict? Experienced the chaos it brings? 

Who do you fix it?

 I have fought this battle and in my experience, there are three things essential to winning. Acceptance, Honesty and Female Dominance. Accept who you are as a sissy. Be honest with yourself as a sissy. Finally, find and devote yourself to a Dominant Woman and be honest with Her about all your feelings, including the internal conflicts.  Only then with you begin to eradicate your EME and begin to transform yourself from within, and eventually harmonize your conscious and subconscious mind.

When that change begins, your sissy journey will begin to take you places and reveal wonders you could have never imagined on your own!

 Which brings me to this mornings thoughts rolling through my subconscious sissy brain as I was sleeping. Thanks to the many years spent under the guiding big Sisterly like hand of Lady Diva (and Lady Morganna before Her and still), Her constant positive reinforcement, encouragement, and training as a submissive sissy, who is not only submissive to Women, but fully sexually and spiritually submissive to Trans Women, has helped me accept and completely transform my sexuality, to finally align both sides of my conscious and subconscious mind.

Combined with years spent in sissy chastity and being happily pussy free for 11+ years, my wants and needs as a sissy when it comes to sexual, and emotional satisfaction revolve around bottoming for Shecock (Female strapons and/or the beautiful real thing).  

I can't tell you the last time I looked at a beautiful Woman and thought to myself, like I once did many years ago, " Oooh I'd like to take down that!"

Those thoughts simply don't happen anymore, and haven't for years now. I look at Women, admire their beauty, their wardrobe, makeup and hair, etc and say to myself " How do I become that pretty?!?"

 And this morning my subconscious mind was feeding me sexually explicit thoughts of sucking on a beautiful TGirl's cock in all it's glory and feeling Her hot cum explode onto my sissy face. And in my still sleeping moments, it dawned on me moments before I awoke, as to how my entire existence as a sissy has been transformed to align as one.

 It's taken years to arrive here, and I have so much farther to go, but for any sissy who reads this who has yet to come to terms with themselves, and has yet to deal with their own EME, I can assure you, doing so as quickly as possible will only benefit you as a whole. You owe it to that Female spirit that has been inside you for so long. 

Become who you always have been meant to be, without shame, without guilt, and with Women as your guide.

 

Sincerely Sissy

Devina 

 

Devina's Halloweenies Domme of the Day

 

Happy Sissy Birthday to Me!

 All sissies have 2 Birthdays. There is the day we are all brought into this world, and then there is a day as a sissy that you are truly born. On this day once upon a time (it's not polite to ask a gurl her age), full of anxiety and fear, I summoned the courage to admit to Lady Morganna that at the very core of my submissive self was a Feminine sissy that desperately needed to come out from within.

Lady Morganna took my moment of honesty and truth and in one session, my BDSM training began to morph from this... 

 ..and I started on the path that would lead me to the real sissy I am now...

 I fondly look back at my first images as a sissy, because it's there who I really was all my life, began to grow. Lady Morganna, my first Domme, was old school, a disciplinarian who was set on removing all the arrogance, and chauvinistic traits I held, in Her own ways. But now She had the opportunity to truly break down Her submissive to the core elements and in the process, begin to thoroughly destroy the out of control male ego, that was running amok inside me.

 Her work was methodical and with purpose, as if She saw a chance to eradicate this world of one useless male and replace it with a budding sissy slut that She could humiliate and use at Her pleasure, and use me She did!

But what would become began something spiritual. Now I had purpose and direction as the sissy i always was and was now realizing. The path I was now on, I would never stray from. Being a sissy was not only what I wanted to be, but who I NEEDED to be at the very essence of my being.

 Her work then brought Lady Diva Cane into my life and I suddenly found my Dominant big Sister. Lady Diva took the germinated sissy seed that Lady Morganna germinated and began to nurture and grow that seed into Her sissy flower.

 Like an artist She began to give life and color to this sissy beyond the confines of Her training play space. Devina was a living breathing sissy and would exist each day, and the seed would grow into a fragile plant, growing stronger and more confident each day.

 The sissy I am today would never have been possible without the admission of truth to Lady Morganna on this day. So I celebrate my real birthday each Sept 27th, for it was the day I was truly born!

 Sincerely Sissy, 

Devina 

Is a Sissy Born or Made, or Both?

 

Often on Sunday mornings, I find myself in a reflective mood over all of life's blessings. This morning almost as soon as I awoke, I began thinking back to the very moment the seed was planted within me, that one day many years later would germinate and grow into what Devina would become. For me, I remember it vividly, and in fact it may have been one of my earliest memories. When we would have company at our home I often would be crawling around the floor and occasionally would crawl under the table where the ladies were sitting and chatting after dinner and it was during one of these times I reached out and touched one of the ladies legs, encased in stockings or pantyhose, and I was immediately hooked on the sensation of how smooth they were.

What followed was a collective laughter of the Women as they thought how cute that was, and at that moment something in my tiny brain was wired to associate Women's lacy and smooth silky things with Women's laughter, and encouragement. It's those same feelings of Womanly reinforcement and encouragement that fills my sissy soul today with joy and affection. Was I born to be a sissy?

 

It further made me wonder over a nice warm cup of coffee, how other sissies come to the places they find themselves. Did they all experience similar early positive reinforcement over Women's clothing? Was it due to being picked on or some other traumatic experience in our early development? Are we pre dis positioned to evolve into panty bois and beyond, or do psychological responses to experiences early in life lead us to find safety and comfort in the Womanly things that create a special place in our lives? It truly makes one think.

In my journey, I've always known that my sissy life was different than most. Lady Diva even noticed this early on when I revealed my inner self to Her and Mistress Morganna. Looking back, I do think that it was that instant at the beginning that cemented my journey. My sissy path isn't one of shame or degradation. It's a lovely path that takes me to a place far away from the ugliness of the world. A world where Women know what is best, and nurture those lowly male creatures who discover that there is a desire within to evolve into something better, something Feminine.

 

The road to discovering your real inner sissy self can be a very scary place at first, especially if you don't understand why you have the feelings that you do. For me, I always went back to that initial moment, that spark and reward of touching stocking clad Women's legs and hearing laughter and amusement in return. Somehow at every nervous, anxious, and frightening step along the way, I always knew deep inside that my sissy journey was a road I needed to travel on and that it would eventually lead me to a place where things would all make sense. I am so grateful that my sissy journey began in such a positive place.

 

I see so many who associate their sissy life as one of shame, degradation, humiliation, and subservience to males, and that has never made sense to me. It simply does not compute or resonate with me in any way. To me a sissy is the enlightened evolution of the male creature. It takes bravery, courage, and many times blind faith to accept who you are and find ways to empower yourself as a sissy so you can grow and develop into something so much more. On this beautiful summer Sunday morning, I'm eternally grateful to Mistress Morganna & Lady Diva Cane who took a pretty useless lump of male clay, and began shaping it into something useful. It was with knocking knees and a heart pounding through my chest when I admitted to Them Both that my true desire was to explore the sissy person within me who was badly yearning for a way to break free. That admission changed my entire life. It truly did.

 

My life has been so enriched by Femdomination and my embrace of my sissy life, that I don't think I could find the ways to properly express myself. Every experience as Devina, has been a reward. I now find myself at a place where the vessel that contains Devina no longer obeys the physical urges of maleness. My emotional and physical satisfaction are fulfilled via Devina's desires and needs. Accepting and becoming a sissy was the best thing I have ever done in my life, and new boundaries are being broken all the time as 3000 days in sissy chastity looms over the horizon and being pussy free for over 10 years. I never could dream this was all possible, but it is...

I strongly encourage each sissy reading this to find yourselves within, embrace your sissy self and find your own path to follow.

 

Devina 

Looking Back: End of the SEARS Era

 Originally Posted Oct 21, 2018

With Sears going out of business, first in Canada and now the US, it marks an end of an era for legions of once horny boys and budding sissies where their first exposure to glamour lingerie photos of beautiful Women came from the quarterly Sears catalogue.

 

Long before I stole my first pair of panties from my sister in-law Anna, I would casually peruse those pages, dreaming of how nice it would be to have my own closet full of dresses, and lingerie, and drawers full of bras and panties, etc... I'm thrilled to now have all those things, but it's a sad bit of nostalgia that the era of the shopping catalogues have gone away.

 

Often I would try and figure out how I could order my own frilly things from the catalogue and have them delivered to our house without anyone knowing. But back then it was next to impossible to do so discretely. So like many, I would continue to dream...

 

The thrill of slowly acquiring my own frilly things, filled those desires that were born in the pages of the Sears catalogues

 

But the dream of the slumber parties with Women and their sissy gurl lives on....

The Chastity Chronicles - 9 Months In

 Originally Posted March 25, 2018

 

 Today marks month 9 of no release sissy chastity. By no release, that means nothing but natural sissy leaks, and nothing more. This week I had an enormous sissy leak that caught me by surprise and I barely made it to a bathroom so not to leak in my panties. At first I was leaking about once every 2 weeks and over the past few months that has slowed. This one was the biggest of all and I was so proud of being fully limp when it happened that I had to text Lady Diva to share in my delight!

 

Being able to share in my sissy physiological transformations with any Woman is a wonderful thing, but with Lady Diva it's even more special. She truly understand why this is all so important to me. She truly understands my transition from a one time panty boi sub, to a Shecock loving sissy slut. She has encouraged me in every way to follow my dreams of finding inner peace with no longer desiring Womanly sex for physical satisfaction (in terms of traditional interaction) and to nurture and develop my need for sexual satisfaction by serving Shecock, being Female or Trans.

In just a few months it will be 4 years since the last time experiencing a traditional sexual encounter with a Woman. My new normal is as a bottom. Sex for me is on the end of a Woman's strapon and/or being stuffed by a glorious Shecock of a Trans Woman. That is now the sole focus of sexual thoughts and fantasies. When it comes to vanilla Women, I often spend more time wondering if I'm wearing sexier panties at that moment than they are :)

 

Nothing in traditional sex was ever as fulfilling for me like it has been now for me to be dressed up and fucked like a slut, be it by a Domme of a Trans Woman. It simply doesn't compare on a deep meaningful level. Being taken by a "Woman" is such a powerful and emotional connection, not only to Her but to my real inner self. As a sissy it is very much addictive. Once you find you love Shecock, you simply want nothing else.

As for what lies ahead in my sissy chastity journey, I'm sure as with many things in my sissy life, the time and place will come for me when the universe decides it's the right time. I'm so proud to honour Lady Diva and Maitresse Cathie in this way, and it warms my heart to know they have pride in me. In the end, submission is denying oneself something in servitude of others, and in turn one finds themselves rewarded beyond what they ever could imagined. Month 10 begins now with no complaining, no fussing, and nothing but love...

Devina