Wine Wisdom

 

My World Just Got Smaller

 

I've had many blessings in my sissy life. I've had the amazing good fortune to have experienced things beyond my wildest dreams, met and submitted before Iconic Dominant Women, and have slowly and carefully cultivated a special inner circle of Dommes and other Women, where I've been able to allow Devina to find her feet and have a place where she has been able to grow and be nourished. But in life, as I'm fully aware, not all things last forever, and I was reminded of that today, as I was forced to say goodbye to someone who was so very special to me, in ways that are difficult to put into proper words, but I will try.

 

As any sissy knows, living an alternative lifestyle can come with a price, and often it is very high in terms of our private and personal lives and how we are able to interact with others outside that world. My friend ( I will still call Her friend, even if She may no longer) in the past few years, has paid a heavy price personally and as a result has completely removed Herself from Her truly Iconic perch in the BDSM world; perhaps permanently I believe. And as a result, She has removed a lot of people from Her life moving forward, and sadly I was one.

In many ways I could see this day coming for quite some time. It hurts when you can feel someone growing more distant, and not being able to figure out why, and afraid if you ask, it will only speed the process up. I will not go into the who, the what, the why, etc except to say, sometimes life deals us cards that shake us to our very soul and beyond. In dealing with such trauma, one can discover that the identity of who they have been has been so drastically altered, that one cannot continue as such anymore, to risk becoming a parody of one's self. I know this feeling after dealing with significant loss in my family, where Devina was just an abstract concept that at times I still struggle with.

I can understand when the things you once loved, enjoyed, and inspired, now bring disdain and you need to change. I wish I was able to have this conversation with Her but I likely never will now. I was very blessed to have an opportunity to get to know the person behind the mask, and that person was a lovely soul, and it upset me greatly to discover the trauma that She was confronted with. I would wish that on no Woman. I am grateful to have been able to offer words of comfort, advice and just be someone to listen a bit. The distance between Her and I was great, but it was very easy to send whatever warm energy I possessed to the universe in hopes of finding Her. It's a hopeless thing at times to know someone you genuinely care about as a person, is in a great deal of pain and distress, and not being able to do anything of consequence to take that suffering away. It is my sincere hope that She finds the healing She seeks.

 My inner circle of Women I trusted with my most guarded secrets as Devina and the original packaging she came in, had only 5 members. She is a rare soul that had the ability to relate and understand me on all sides, and I can't say how hard it has been to find any Women who can openly embrace the whole package without judgment. It's very sad to be forced to accept that my special circle has shrunk to 4. I hold a small amount of hope that our orbits may intersect once again in the future, but that will not be for me to decide. J.R you were a blessing to my life and I will miss you

Love Always

Devina 

Milestone Moment in my Sissy Life: My First Real Sissygasm!

 Originally Posted Aug 15th 2020

 

I wanted to share this with everyone on Thursday, but to be honest, I was too swept up emotionally to put everything into proper context. The other afternoon something truly wondrous happened to me that created a new major moment in my sissylife: I experienced my first ever Female-like sissygasm!

Since discovering my inner sissy and recognizing the person that was Devina needed to grow out of the shell she had been kept in, the sissy journey I embarked on has been full of firsts and mind blowing experiences. I've been transformed, I've modelled, I've been fucked as a sissy girl by Transwomen, taken Shecock facials as Devina, started this blog, shared my secret moments and experiences as a sissy gurl with the world, and have proudly been a slut for more than one Shecock.

Every step along the way has only propelled me deeper towards wanting to experience the most personal and intimate feelings and sensations from a Feminine perspective and emotion as possible.In fact my entire sissy chastity journey has been based on a deep seated feeling that I had to completely put behind me any physical and sensual pleasure from any sort of male influenced perspective and begin a quest to see if I could learn how to achieve Womanly pleasure, in a physical, emotional, and physiological place as possible.

I've been so blessed to have Lady Diva, encouraging me every step along the way, and to know that She truly understood where my submissiveness was taking me; away from session based experiences and more towards deeper life altering experiences which have only deepened my submissive nature and has taught me to love Women on a level I never knew existed before.

 

At the heart of my desire to express Devina to the world, is the need to come out to more and more Women, to show them that a sissy has the capacity to love Women on a level far deeper than they might think. My self discovery as a sissy has always led towards the Female gauntlet of shock, surprise, ridicule, embarrassment, laughter, incredulousness, humiliation, and hopefully turn the corner to understanding, learning, and acceptance, and finally celebration of my sissylife. But for me, I needed to learn as best as I could what it meant to experience the magic of a Female orgasm. Could a sissy ever reprogram their original male biological settings to cast aside the impulses of immediate selfish gratification and all the icky traits and habits that go along with them, in order to tap into the Female spirit and consciousness to find the ever elusive Womanly sissygasm?

When I discovered that sissies could bring themselves to a hands free sissygasm by stimulation of their p-spot, I was wonderfully fascinated. I foolishly thought that such a thing could be easily achieved by any sissy but as many Women in the world struggle to achieve a Female orgasm, I always struggled mightily to bring myself to sissygasm; always coming close, feeling the wave build but never being able to let go mentally enough to let it wash over me. My mind was still preventing my body from changing how it experienced sensual and sexual pleasure. Something more drastic was needed. Sissy chastity

 

My sissy chastity journey wasn't a punishment at all but something I entered into on my own. I thought that extended long term chastity could be the key to ultimately reprogramming my mind to allow me to tap into the Feminine emotions, and empathy that was growing within Devina's personality, combined with a deeper understanding on how her submissiveness was changing who I was on a day to day level. I also knew that I couldn't cheat the process by using dildoes, monkey rockers, or fucking machines, because I needed to tap into the source of a Female orgasm, which starts in the mind. A Woman visualizes Her eventual orgasm based on mental images added to emotional desires which ultimately manifests in an intense physical wave of release that crashes on Her shores. THIS is what I wanted to achieve if I could!

When I began to experience sissy leaks with no physical stimulation of my locked sissy-clit or asspussy, it was a momentous event, and each time it happened I felt a beautiful rush of warm emotion, as I visualized Lady Diva or other Domme's in my life being there to see it and to visualize their smiles and see the satisfaction on their faces. Each sissy leak would have me repeating in my mind in Lady Diva's voice, " Good gurl! That's my lovely little sissy..." Perhaps I didn't even know it but I began to condition myself to associate a sissy leak with a Women's satisfaction in me. This has gone on all throughout my almost 1150 days now in sissy chastity.

 

As time has gone on now into 3 plus years of sissy chastity and only a could months away now from my 6th year of denial of Womanly sex, I've focused on the only sexual pleasure that I knew could bring me happiness and that was Shecock. It's been fascinating to experience the drastic drop off sexual physical stimulation from Women, simply knowing that I can't provide Them any physical pleasure with my locked sissy-clit. Yet as a sissy slut I can pleasure a Woman's strapon Shecock, and all manners of TGirl Shecock. As Lady Diva can attest to in O/our chats, Shecock is the driving force in my desires for physical pleasure and emotional satisfaction. The only pleasure I can hope to receive from any Woman is their acceptance of me as a sissy, or their amusement in how useless my sissy-clit now is, or in their satisfaction in my manners or performances as a sissy slut for their pleasure. The daily reprogramming of what constitutes pleasure, and emotional release has been a slow and steady one, even if the magical sissygasm continued to elude me.

Twice now, both times during morning dreams before awaking in the past few months I have experienced something unique. Both times involved rather vivid imagery of pleasuring Shecock when I have felt a sudden pulse inside my sissyclit. Similar to what I used to feel during an ejaculation, that first contraction. Both times it woke me, and both times I was amazed at what just happened, but no further contractions happened, nor did any leaks occur. Yet both times I felt an enormous sense of happiness in thinking that my mentally stimulating sexual imagery was creating a physical reaction in a way that a Woman might feel. The mind visualized and the body deep inside the p-spot region reacted, even as my sissyclit wasn't erect but just semi turgid. Neither time was that experience something that I was able to control with conscious thought but it made me so proud that somewhere deep within me, my mind was being reprogrammed to react instinctively towards Shecock now in a sexually satisfying way. I shared each experience with Lady Diva and W/we both marvelled at the experiences

 

But something magical happened Thursday afternoon. My goodness did it ever, and it involved conscious thought. My job requires me to sometimes travel to one of our offices within an hour or two radius from my city, and on Thursday afternoon I was driving back from one of them, when I noticed a twitter notification from an earlier tweet by Domme Lady Mila, and I was obliged to quickly pull over and respond and a quick twitter convo ensued.

I was happy to see Lady Diva engage by liking parts of O/our exchange, and I always am quick to give any credit to Her, when a Domme offers a compliment to me, as I'm merely the result of Her efforts. And with that small exchange, I had to pull onto the road again and carry on back to my office. I felt a sense of satisfaction knowing my pathetic little sissy-clit had amused Lady Mila, and a sense of pride swept over me that I was able to demonstrate how effective Lady Diva has been in crafting a well mannered sissy sub. My little sissy clit nub was admittedly awakened in my panties to it's semi turgid peak state, but since I was driving, there was no attention given to it, but my mind now was flooded with emotions and images of Lady Mila now laughing at my sissy clit. This then led to other visual images of reoccurring desires to be presented by Lady Diva in front of a gathering of Women (both into BDSM lifestyles and not) in my full sissy self for their pleasure and amusement. I suddenly was swept over with thoughts of inviting Women who are my FB friends to this sissy social, where I would greet them, then kiss their feet/shoes to welcome them, serve cocktails as they introduced themselves and began to feel comfortable as Lady Diva welcomed them all and began to explain what was to occur for their amusement. The amusement would be me in full sissy glory having my asspussy spread open and fucked by a beautiful TGirl, and alternating with any of the Women in attendance who wished to use a strapon Shecock on me as well.

 

Then it happened....as I was driving

A strong contraction in my sissy clit!

It snapped me out of the daydream I was having while still on the road as I suddenly was surprised and wondered what just happened? My sissy clit didn't get any harder inside the confines of my CB6000s but my entire pelvic region was getting warm and I was feeling flushed. I tried to calm myself down, breathe deeply and relax, also trying to refocus my mind away from the flood of imagery that had swept me up.

Two deep breaths and I tried to relax my now tense kegel muscles that I've leaned to understand their sensations when a natural sissy leak has occurred in the past with out any orgasmic like contractions. I thought I was calming down, but my mind couldn't remove itself from the Femdom sissy party in my head when suddenly...

Another twitch in my sissy clit! Then a second smaller one!

It was in a split second while travelling at 65 mph on the highway that I knew I was about to have my first Womanly sissygasm, and there was nothing I could do to stop it!

 

In wave after wave my sissyclit still mostly limp, began to pulse and I suddenly felt the warmth in my panties as my p-spot sissygasm swept over me all while driving! My sissyclit released uncontrollably for almost a mile and a half in an intense sissygasm that had me gripping the wheel of my car and looking down to see what kind of mess I had made in my lulu panties. As I felt my p-spot empty it continued to pulse and pulse like waves rippling and I was so excited, happy, embarrassed, and stunned all at the same time!

 

In my head all I could hear now were the party guests at Lady Diva's laughing, high fiving, cheering, and celebrating as their little sissy just made a cummie in her panties for Them. I struggled to find a place to pull over where I could discretely try and clean up as best I could. Pulling over in a small wooded drive approach I was able to see that my sissygasm was unlike any ejaculate I remembered having, as the wet was not like a cumshot but like a Woman who can squirt, with little to no scent.

 

Thankfully I was able to find some napkins in the car to clean my panties, which surprisingly had soaked up a large part of it, so my slacks only had 2 wet spots that I was able to dry off the best I could directing the car's vents to that area, while i composed myself to get back to my office. My mind was full scatterbrain, and has been for a day and a half.

For over 3 years, all I've ever wanted to do was to know that I could find the door to a Female-like sissygasm, and the only way I wanted it to happen was by being taken by a Woman or Transwoman's Shecock. That remains the only way I ever want to experience sex now, but I've discovered that I can create a sissygasm the same way a Woman does, and that starts in the mind.

You all have no idea how proud and happy this makes me as a sissy!

Love

Devina 

Sissy Life Archives - Taking More Steps Out of the Shadows

 Originally posted Aug 9, 2020

 

 One of the lovely things about social media profiles as a sissy is the ability to create new network of friends and like minded people to interact with and grow with. As a sissy it's also a way to quietly and slowly integrate one's vanilla life a bit more with their sissylife by trying to bring some people you know or have known before into one's sissy world in the hopes they are open minded to accept you then interact with you as the person you are on the inside as well.

My sissylife has always been very carefully managed for a number of reasons. Where I live, the joke is that there are 2 degrees of separation, and this is certainly true. It takes no time at all to connect with someone who knows someone and voila, everyone can know quite a lot in a hurry. So my vanilla life growing up and becoming who I was and what I did and do, before the fundamental change to accept and create a world where Devina could not only exist but have a life of her own, needed to be kept apart. This is not unusual for anyone who has struggled with gender/lifestyle issues whatsoever.

For me to come out and say to everyone, "Tada! Hey I'm a sissified TGirl lover" would ultimately create massive problems for many, and for me just isn't an option at this point in life. The discrete carefully managed approach is best and this I know. It still doesn't mean I don't crave having people from one world discover the other. When I can manage this, it becomes a joy.

 

Outside of my BDSM/kink world, I am so happy to have about a half dozen Women in my social media life who knowingly or unknowingly have known both sides of the complete me, and I keep trying to grow that number but it can be a scary thing. Sending a FB invite as Devina to someone you once dated can be terrifying, and many times has not born fruit but I keep hoping for more acceptance. To those select few that are in Devina's social circle, please know that while you may not realize it, I value your acceptance in ways that are hard to even share in words. I hope to add to those numbers as time goes on.

A journey into a world of Femininity is never easy as a gurl, but even now, I happily find myself at a place that was once unimaginable. One step at a time is always the way forward.

Sincerely Sissy 

Devina

Sissy Sex: The Desire to Love Like a Woman

 

 The longer I have identified as a sissy, the more I have come to understand the fundamental differences that sissies have with others in alternative lifestyles. For myself, before I came to the point of needing to explore my inner sissy persona that was yearning to break free, I was split between worlds, and it wasn't just two. There was my vanilla daily world where I was failing miserably with any Female 'normal' relationships for reasons I could never fully understand. Then there was my growing love of experimenting with Trans Women & TGirls, but that was happening from a traditional male/top perspective, and while it was fun, thrilling, mind bending etc... it was like eating ice cream. Tasty, short term satisfying, but not something you could live on.

Then there were the world spent as a male subbie who was coming to grips that something deeper was needed to fill a void that was becoming so ever self evident. When I decided to come out to Lady M & Lady Diva about my need to live my submissive life as a sissy, and the desire to give life to the Feminine energy inside since childhood, only then did all the storms of mental and emotional conflict that I was living with, begin slowly to separate and eventually subside.

By some textbook definition I would have been seen as bi-sexual, but to me that simply was not the case whatsoever. Males repulsed me in a sexual manner, (literally makes my skin crawl) and still do. But TGirls were so different because the ones that I was attracted to, I saw as truly being Women with a special gift from nature. A gift to be celebrated. I knew from the very beginning when I needed to live more of my life as a sissy, that I was a sissy lesbian, even if not many would even understand what that meant. Luckily for me Lady Diva knew, and She encouraged me to forge down that path and be true to myself.

 

Armed with that tiny bit of self confidence, didn't make everything magically better, but it did allow me to become more comfortable in my own skin. Pretty much from that point onward, I stopped topping when with Trans Women, and mentally gave in to my more natural nature of wanting to experience each encounter with a TGirl as one of sensuality, instead of sexuality. I learned to worship and in essence make love to Shecock, and I learned to love my new place as a bottom, even if I wasn't quite ready to reveal myself as a sissy with a TGirl (yet).

My revealing my new path to Lady Diva, shifted Her relationship with me as well. I've never questioned Lady Diva's natural superiority, nor Her ability to reign down any manner of hellfire on a misbehaving subbie. Yet now Lady Diva took on a more of a big Sister who was in charge, and who took me under Her Sisterly wing to guide me through to where I needed to go. That was a monumental shift to the psyche of the person that was to become Devina. I now had a pillar to lean on in my first steps of my sissylife journey. Session play shifted as well, as the more Feminine I tried to be, the more rewarding She was. Instead of spanking and corporal punishments, I was being taught how to sit, how to pose, how to move in Feminine ways. This was the training I yearned for!

 

As my sissylife began to take shape, and Devina's personality and confidence began to grow, I started to see ever aspect of my whole life differently.& I began to understand a little more why vanilla relationships with Women were faltering, and how exhausting it was to be split between different worlds. Each time I accepted a little more that I was a special type of sissy with lesbian desires, it was like huge weights being lifted off me. It didn't come without it's own set of challenges but I could navigate my sissy journey better, knowing where I truly was and where I wanted to go.

It was around that time where I began to realize that my desires for love and emotional attachment were bonded to the sissy that was inside of me since childhood. Having sex for most of my life in a traditionally male way was increasingly less and less satisfying. But as a sissy, sensual play, and Trans Women interactions began to take on emotional rewards I've never experienced before. I could actually feel emotional attachment to sexual and sensual acts as a sissy, that I never could before. This new sexual and emotional freedom gave me the courage to finally present myself before a Trans Woman for the first time in a true sissy manner, and it was completely liberating!

 

When I revealed myself for the first time before Sunshine, a beautiful African Trans Woman, She embraced me and for the first time in my life I experienced sex in a completely free and uninhibited way, and for the first time in my life I felt a connection between the physical, the sexual, but most importantly, the emotional! I can remember that encounter vividly and my gawd I was a wanton slut before Her but it was a complete surrender to what I always knew was within, screaming to get out. I took a spectacular facial, which I taped and later shared with Lady Diva, to cement who and what I was and always wanted to be.

 

But this meant now that sex needed to be tied to emotional experiences as well, and the only way that was possible was with Women & TGirls. It also brought into clarity finally the mystery that was chastity, as I never could understand the attraction until I knew that I needed to bond to my sexual experiences from a Female perspective and that meant what was once my cock, needed to become something that was no longer the center of attention.

From there, the experiments into short term, then longer term chastity began, along with the mental conditioning and psychological reprogramming that I've slowly undergone over the past several years. My 9th chastiversary is just under 2 weeks away, and I find myself more than ever, wanting to make love as a Woman, and to always connect emotional attachment and satisfaction to sexual release, and that makes me fully comfortable as a sissy lesbian. Relationships haven't gotten easier because finding Women who can wrap their heads around the type of person I am now, isn't easy, but I remain true to who I am, what I am, and what I need to be happy.

Sincerely Sissy

Devina